Dear Lord, Can I Live?

I'm walking around with this weight on my shoulder, yet my smile is getting broader. I'm I alive? I keep asking myself. Can I get a taste of life... Will I get the taste of life, See how amazing it is. Do the things I really want to do? Have a bite of success and happiness. Every goal I reach feels like it's not enough I need more, some say I should look at what I have, look at what I've accomplished not what I don't have, not where I'm heading. Enjoy the journey, not the destination. I can't do that, I can't. Worse of it all whenever I achieve what I want feels like it's not enough I want more. I want more of these. I want money, I make millions and it feels easy, I want more and more of these, When is it going to end? or does it?

I want to be alive, live a life without fear and worries. Have fun, party whenever and wherever I can. Laugh with friends. Spend time with my family, Get a little more love and affection, some attention. Maybe I have all that but it feels like it's not enough I need more and more. But does the world rotate around me? Maybe, another maybe it does but I can't see that.

I should be grateful, I should pray I little more often. Give thanks a lot more...

I made peace with the pain and bitterness inside me, I made peace with the suffering, still struggling to stay alive. I made peace with no peace as I'm in constant war with my demons trying to suffocate me with my sorrow and drown me in my tears. I made peace with things I'm afraid to say, I made peace with the fear so I can live in the shadows. The goal is to stay alive not to live. I made peace with nightmares and the voice of the devil in my ear.

This is the new normal. It feels like walking in uncomfortable new shoes because the old and comfortable ones are torn to the side, tried to fix them myself and made it worse. So all I have is to accept these bizarre conditions walk with them until they fit, the journey is so long can't do it barefooted, and I've come a long way to give up now. So I keep walking deep into the cloud of insecurities hoping I'll find light in it,  hoping there's peace in it and air so I can breathe and live again

Dear Lord, can I live? I want to live my dreams even though they are weird, I find solace in them...



Continues...


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