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Something Is Eating me From Inside



Something is eating me from inside, chewing my intestine. I have a lot to say but I don't know what or how to say. Telling you how I feel doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. It makes me vulnerable and weak, needy and desperate. 

I want you but I don't!  I don't want you but I do! I don't know if I'm weak or if I don't want you to show how strong I'm. Just confusion. Maybe I'm delusional or crazy I don't know. Everything that needs me to be serious makes me uncomfortable. So I avoid it, I just want to flow with the air and go with the turbulence anything that's not part of that suffocates me. I can't talk about serious things like life. Like where do I see myself in ten years... probably dead, I know it's scary for you but that's what I feel. I can't talk about us because there is no me in it. 

I'll support your dreams, Help you to the top and I'll walk away after I see you succeed. I'll assist you to score and celebrate your goal. But I'll never celebrate my goal. because it feels like it's easy or they're so many eyes watching or maybe I'm shy and I don't want to admit it. Maybe I'm really scared and It's embarrassing. I feel like I don't belong here. I mean this is not my place like I'm not worthy of anything good or bad. I'm just a void. I want not to be seen, but I want attention I want to be celebrated that's why nothing makes sense to me... Nothing. I mean what can you tell me that I don't already know?  Maybe I don't know and I don't want to know do you get me.

Perfection is a disease, eating me up. because that's what I want. I mean this is the highest point in my life but I can do better, this is all my best but I believe I can do more and more of that it's a loop that doesn't stop a cycle that I don't want to get into. eg I just bought a new phone, on my way out I was a better version of the same phone, should I take it and return the one I just bought? or should I buy both of them and have two? It's a bit confusing because tomorrow they'll be a way better version than these two. Now should I keep going or sit down and rest? 

I'm greedy for success? or It's because I can't appreciate what I have? My favourite rapper said love yours I've so many but's , but It's not enough, but I can do better, but I can have more of this and that, why be a king and you can be a god.... <<<continues>>>

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